AAML NJ Blog

By Elle Barr, Attorney, GAL, Judicial Education Coordinator | Our Family Wizard, AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

For co-parents with 50/50 physical custody, alternating weeks is the simplest parenting schedule available. When following this arrangement, children spend one week with one parent and then one week with the other. This can simplify the scheduling of changeovers immensely.

As with all parenting schedules, however, it's not without its drawbacks. To help you decide whether alternating weeks is a good fit for your family, here are some of the major benefits and disadvantages of this parenting schedule.

What Is a 7/7 Custody Schedule?

Under a 7/7 parenting schedule, co-parents share physical custody equally in seven-day intervals. Children will spend one week with one parent and the next week with the other. This streamlined schedule minimizes transitions but also increases time apart.

More co-parents embrace joint parenting time, in which they split joint physical custody into different proportions and intervals. Various forms of the 50/50 custody schedule, where co-parents share custody equally, continue to grow in popularity.

The benefits of equal time with each co-parent can be significant. Many child development and legal experts agree that frequent, meaningful contact with both parents can positively affect children for the rest of their lives. However, even for agreeable co-parents with a healthy, cooperative relationship, any custody schedule demands effective communication and a willingness to compromise. The 7/7, or alternating week schedule, provides the easiest way to split time 50/50.

You’ll often see the week-on/week-off or alternating weeks schedule rotation referred to as a “custody schedule” or a “parenting schedule.”

In general, the term “custody” can refer to either the legal or physical custody of a child or children. Physical custody refers to where children live, and legal custody explains the power of each parent to make major decisions for their children.

Today, many experts use terms like “parenting schedule” or “parenting time arrangement” when speaking about where children live in place of “custody schedule.” These new terms better represent a relationship and the parent’s responsibilities for their children. This article will use these terms interchangeably.

Key Takeaways

Read the full blog post HERE.

By Rebecca Kuderka | Withum, AAML NJ Gold Sponsor

When litigating a divorce case, one important item to consider is alimony. There is no set formula that can be used to calculate alimony and there are various types of alimony. The purpose of alimony is to allow both parties to maintain their lifestyle after the divorce. To understand the full alimony picture, it is important to be aware of the different types of alimony and the factors that are considered when determining alimony. 

Types of Alimony

In the time between the filing of the complaint and the judgment of divorce, the Court can order Pendente lite support, also known as temporary support. This support can be agreed upon by the parties or ordered by the court if necessary. This support does not continue after the divorce is finalized but may be replaced by the other types of alimony. 

After the final judgment of divorce, the court can order, or the parties can agree on four types of alimony:  Open Duration, Limited Duration, Rehabilitation, and Reimbursement.

Similar to the traditional Permanent Alimony, Open Duration Alimony has no set time limit.  Normally the payments continue until either there is a change in circumstances, i.e., the supporting party has a loss in income, or there is a termination of the alimony payments such as when the supported spouse remarries. Open Duration alimony will usually be considered for individuals married for 20 years or longer. 

The second category, Limited Duration Alimony is typically considered for those married less than 20 years. With this type of alimony, the payments will not typically exceed the length of the marriage, unless there are exceptional circumstances such as the level of a former spouse’s financial dependence or the poor health of the dependent spouse. 

Despite the name that seems health-related, the third category, Rehabilitation Alimony is considered when a dependent spouse is completing additional education or training needed to re-enter the workforce. This type of alimony is typically a short-term obligation and requires a detailed rehabilitation plan which should detail the requirements for the dependent spouse to complete the education/ training needed to achieve financial independence.

Finally, there is Reimbursement Alimony.  This form of alimony is designed to re-pay an individual who made financial contributions to the education or career development of their spouse. The reimbursement alimony could include the payments that went towards tuition, cost of living (for the student spouse), and/or other costs to obtain the degree or professional training.  

Factors Considered 

There is no set formula to determine the amount of alimony payments; however, the New Jersey Statute, NJSA 34 N.J.S.2A:34-23, sets forth factors that are considered when making this determination. 

Negotiations

It is best to be realistic when negotiating alimony. The best way to do this is to start with an accurate understanding of the parties’ finances. Be sure to identify all sources of income, including salaries, dividends, bonuses, business income, etc. If you are unsure that all income is reported, consider retaining a forensic accountant to investigate the spouse’s income.  This will enable you to determine their ability to pay. Finally, but equally as important, document your client’s expenses. This will allow you to establish the financial need for alimony. This financial need along with the ability to pay will ultimately be the basis of your negotiations to get your client the alimony he or she needs to maintain their lifestyle after the divorce.

By Jonathan Blinken | Strategies For Wealth, AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

Life after divorce can be liberating – but it can also be scary. And for couples who divorce and still need to raise children together, there is so much that may be out of your sole control for a long time. What you can control, however, is your personal financial health after divorce. Divorce can be financially devastating, often leaving people with merely half of what they’ve saved over their lives, and in many cases, forced to start over. Take heart in knowing that with knowledge and time, you can rebuild your wealth, if you are proactive and savvy. Below are 5 basic yet critically important steps you can take to get your finances in order after your divorce. 

1. Take Inventory

You will not know what you need to do if you do not first know where you are. List out all your assets and your debts, as well as your monthly incomings and outgoings. Note who your biggest creditors are and make a list of people who may owe you money. There are plenty of templates online to help you organize, and it is helpful to keep a small notebook or binder with bank statements, monthly bills, and correspondence with creditors so all your financial information is one place. Finally, check your credit score. You are entitled to a free annual check from various companies. Always use a reliable source that uses the FICO system. Monitoring your credit score can impact your future ability to invest and take out loans. Keep your scores in your binder.

2. Make a Budget

Now that you've gotten everything organized and you can see a snapshot of your financial health, make a budget. It is okay if you realize right after the divorce that your monthly expenses exceed your income. Do not beat yourself up about it – take action instead. Take a critical look at where you can cut back. Eat at home more often. Take up jogging outdoors or work out from home using YouTube videos instead of  paying for a gym membership. If any of your contracts with utilities are about to expire, shop around for the best deal. See if you can switch car insurers. If you're having a hard time figuring out where you can save, then get help from a financial planner to guide you. Once you've got a good idea of your budget, build in small, achievable goals. It will help you to save and work towards a goal, which will build your confidence when you've achieved it. Things, like paying off a credit card, or saving up for a short trip with your best friend, are all great things to focus on when rebuilding your finances.

3. Get Professional Advice

Of course, getting a financial planner might be a key step for you to take. But on top of that information, get advice wherever else you can. Seek out tax experts. Speak to the HR or pension source at your company to examine your retirement options. Take this information to a third party retirement expert who can give you objective advice. Consider hiring a company to invest in mutual funds on your behalf. The more support you have, the better and more confident you’ll feel – but this advice comes with a caveat. At the end of the day, it is YOUR money. If the experts you have hired do not take the time to speak with you, or explain what they are doing with your money, then move on. There are hundreds of companies that offer financial services. Find someone you trust. 

4. Protect

Look into getting adequate life insurance, if you do not already have it. If you can afford it, whole life insurance policies are ideal; however, getting term life insurance is still a good option if your budget does not allow for a whole life policy. If you do have life insurance, then make sure you change the beneficiary if your spouse was previously listed as beneficiary, unless language in your divorce order prevents you from doing so. 

Umbrella insurance is another good option – it is basically extra liability insurance and will cover any claims that exceed the limits of your homeowner's and auto insurance policies. This will kick in if your underlying policies are exhausted. Disability insurance is something else you should get, particularly because you will be relying solely on your own paycheck for the time being. Talk to your boss to see if the company offers disability insurance for a low price that can be deducted from your paycheck automatically each pay period.

Build up a good savings cushion for emergencies- most experts advise saving up to 6 months of living expenses in cash. Start with twenty percent of your earnings. This might sound like a lot, but remember it will only be for a short period of time. Finally, check to see if important legal documents, such as; your Will, Health Care Proxy or Durable Power of Attorney need to be amended. If, in your Will you left anything to your spouse, make sure you consult an attorney specializing in Wills to help you change this to someone else you trust, or perhaps draft an entirely new Will. If you did not have any of these documents, now is a good time to get all your paperwork in order, particularly if you have children. 

5. Invest

Interpret this broadly. You can invest in yourself. Look into earning new qualifications or a higher education to build higher earning power through the years. Invest in the stock market. This is certainly one of the quickest ways to build your fortune, but it is not without risk. Take a course on basic advice, or hire an expert to guide you (or invest on your behalf). The takeaway here is, once you have the ability to do so, invest, period. Perhaps you received some liquidity from the divorce. Look into buying a property to rent out for a few years and build up a steady side income. Understand that with investment always comes risk. When in doubt, go back to step 3 and get as much advice as you can before you put your money into an investment. 

Be realistic every step of the way. Understand that rebuilding your finances after a divorce takes time. Don’t invest in anything too risky. Remember that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. A financial planner can help you come up with realistic goals and craft a realistic budget if you feel overwhelmed. And finally, take your financial health seriously, much like your own health. Monitor it regularly, and go see a professional for an annual ‘check-up.’ 

For trusted, professional advice on any of these steps after a divorce, contact Strategies for Wealth at 212-249-9200.

By LEAP US, AAML NJ Silver Sponsor

Over the past year alone, we have seen numerous cases where outdated software created numerous complications that cost valuable time and resources that can’t afford to be lost. From the Southwest Airlines shutdowns to the California State Bar Association data breach, it has never been more important to reassess your law firm’s tech stack and identify any red flags that could impact your firm. This article will review the four signs New Jersey family law firms should look for that indicate it’s time to move to a legal practice productivity solution.

1. On-premises Hardware

Between court appearances and client meetings, New Jersey matrimonial attorneys complete hundreds of hours of work outside the office. If a firm uses a software solution that requires users to be in the office, this immediately delays updates, causes collaboration gaps, and missed billable hours. Additionally, on-premises hardware adds extra expenses, including dedicated IT employees or consultants, faulty component and hardware replacement, electricity and utility bills, and ongoing updates. These challenges mean that law firms cannot establish efficient, profitable, and scalable operations, limiting their staff’s flexibility.

Outside of that, on-premises hardware leaves firms vulnerable to multiple security threats. In 2021 alone, 25% of law firms reported that their firms experienced a data breach. The average practice cannot dedicate resources just for security, meaning client data can be compromised in break-ins, hacks, and natural disasters. This compromises a firm’s ability to continue working if a major event leaves them vulnerable to malpractice risks, which can lead to potential disbarment.

2. Limited Features & Integrations

Another red flag is if the software does not offer a comprehensive, all-in-one solution. When technology only caters to one business function, it creates a siloed tech stack that becomes unmanageable and creates more challenges than if it operated manually. A New Jersey family law firm should be able to communicate seamlessly to eliminate gaps in transparency, next steps, and collaboration with staff members, clients, and third parties. These gaps impact how quickly work can get done, data integrity, and employee and client satisfaction.

Outside of the software’s native features, integrations are essential for successful software implementation. Integrations with leading legal and business solutions specializing in specific business needs support the software’s foundational features and simplify the implementation without disrupting everyday processes. If critical integrations (for example, LawConnect, LawToolBox, and Microsoft 365, to name a few) are unavailable, it causes law firms to invest in numerous software solutions that create an overwhelming tech stack and leads to data gaps and errors due to double data entry and clerical errors.

3. Limited Paid Support

A third red flag is if the provider requires them to pay for ongoing support post-implementation without providing comprehensive support tools. Particularly in the initial training phase, New Jersey matrimonial attorneys must have access to the training resources that will give them the foundation for success and are accessible in a way that works best for their learning style and schedule. Users should have access to a dedicated success manager, online live chat, on-demand videos, and how-to articles without breaking the bank. This support should also not be limited to user experience and should eliminate the need for manual, time-consuming, and expensive software updates and backups.

Additionally, the support should remain easily accessible and affordable throughout a law firm’s entire interaction with a software provider. From new feature releases, newly onboarded staff, and existing users looking for a refresher, ongoing support is essential to ensure that the software is used effectively to establish streamlined processes that eliminate the challenges that led to the software investment in the first place.

4. Complex Transition Process

Last but certainly not least is reviewing the transition process. A seamless transition is the key to a successful software transition or installation. If the transition process takes up a ton of critical time, requires extensive downtime, and creates more manual work, it will make it even more difficult for New Jersey matrimonial attorneys and their support staff to start using a new solution. If the implementation requires months of disrupted work, manual data transitions, and countless hours dedicated to implementation, the software could cost more than its worth in thousands of dollars in missed billable work.

Firms should also avoid software with several limitations on the data types that can be migrated into the system. For example, law firms should be able to transition all of their historical matters, correspondence, and accounting data seamlessly. Losing out on that data can create issues for clients on retainer, make it difficult to run conflict of interest checks, and create more work to find relevant information for open matters during the transition process.

What Makes a Legal Practice Productivity Solution Different?

If your current software provider, or a software provider you’re considering, has any of these red flags—or worse, all of them—then it’s time to consider switching to a legal practice productivity solution. LEAP is the only legal practice productivity solution designed to provide everything a New Jersey family law firm needs to be productive and profitable in 2023 and beyond. Here are a few reasons why over 61,000 legal professionals have already made the switch to LEAP:

Conclusion

There is no better time for New Jersey law firms to determine if their current software investments have the solutions needed for their firms to establish sustainable business processes. If firms identify any red flags hidden in their IT infrastructures, the LEAP legal practice productivity solution provides law firms with everything they need to run a family law firm in the cloud with an all-in-one solution that improves productivity, profitability, and employee and client experiences.

See how LEAP can improve operations and reduce overhead for your New Jersey family law firm today.

By Kriste Rodriguez, Director | EisnerAmper, AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

Overview of the Marital Balance Sheet

One of the tasks as a forensic accountant is to prepare a marital balance sheet to help facilitate the division of the marital assets/liabilities. The assets and liabilities of the marital balance sheet may include, but are not limited to:

The value of certain assets listed above, such as real estate, pensions, jewelry, and wine collections, are determined by appraisers that specialize in these areas. Kelly Blue Book or similar services are often used to determine the value for automobiles, boats, etc. Account statements are reviewed by the forensic accountant to determine the value of assets, such as bank, brokerage and retirement accounts. Forensic accountants are tasked with determining the value of an interest in businesses to help attorneys determine the parties share of the business value for equitable distribution.

Failure to Consider Tax Implications Could Result in Inequitable Division of Assets

Certain assets may appear to be equal in value on the surface. However, certain events could trigger tax consequences, which could result in very different values.

Take, for example, the marital residence. There is no issue if the parties agree to sell the marital home and split the proceeds. However, if one of the parties remains in the house and subsequently sells the home, the tax consequences, specifically capital gains tax (if any), could impact the value to that person after it is sold.

The assets in a brokerage account portfolio may not really be equal in value. A brokerage account with cash of $100,000 does not have the same value as a brokerage account with $100,000 of stock on an after-tax basis. Once the tax implications are considered on stock when it is sold, the values become very different. The gain on the sale of stock is the difference between the cost basis and the sale price. This gain will be either subject to long-term or short-term capital gains, resulting in an after-tax value less than $100,000. Similarly, if the parties have two brokerage accounts each with $100,000 of stock in the portfolio, the cost basis for each of those accounts could be very different, resulting in more or less taxes. The tax consequences should be considered so that the asset is equitably distributed.

Retirement Account Division – Understanding the Rules

The division of retirement assets, such as 401(k)s should be carefully considered. Not only are tax implications involved, but specific rules also apply to the transfer of certain retirement assets. Failure to comply with these rules could result in unintended consequences. For example, if one party is entitled to a portion of a 401(k)the money should not be withdrawn and transferred to the other party without executing the proper paperwork. Failure to do so could result in early withdrawal penalties and incomer tax consequences. A document known as a qualified domestic relations order or QDRO should be drafted, which specifies how the spouse will receive their portion of the 401(k) without triggering any income tax or early withdrawal penalties. Eligible withdrawals from a 401(k) will be taxed at ordinary income tax rates and should also be considered when dividing this asset during settlement. The use of a forensic accountant with income tax experience can help you avoid the pitfall that can be encountered with 401(k) distributions.

Liquidity of Assets

The liquidity of an asset or the ability to turn the asset into cash is very important to consider when dividing up the marital estate. Cash in a savings or checking account is the most liquid asset. However, assets such as homes, wine collections and/or art collections are less liquid because it takes time to sell this type of asset. It is not practical for one spouse to receive mostly liquid assets and the other to receive primarily illiquid assets. Significant cash flow problems could result for the person receiving the mostly illiquid asset portfolio. One of the parties may keep the marital residence, in exchange for fewer liquid assets. It is imperative, specifically when there is a lack of liquid assets to be received in settlement, that a proper budget is considered to cover the expense of maintaining the home and other lifestyle expenses.

Life Insurance Policies

It is common in marital settlement agreements (MSA) for one of the parties to maintain a life insurance policy to cover their alimony and/or child support obligation should that party become deceased before their support obligation is over. The spouse that the insurance is obtained for should either be the owner or irrevocable beneficiary. This will ensure that the beneficiary will be notified if the premiums are not being paid or if there are any other issues with the policy. Failure to control the policy could result in a lapse or cancellation of the policy. As an alternative, the spouse that is maintaining the policy should provide proof of the policies on an agreed-upon time frame, whether quarterly, semi-annually or annually.

Conclusion

Any one of these common areas discussed above in a marital settlement agreement could cause significant financial loss and/or future financial distress if not addressed properly at settlement. Therefore, it is imperative to analyze the assets and consider all financial/tax consequences that each asset may have so that the division of the marital estate is fair and equitable.

Originally published on January 2, 2023.

By Elle Barr | Our Family Wizard, AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

Co-parenting works differently for different families. It’s important to select a parenting schedule that aligns with your children’s needs to ease the transition for them and for you. Read more to see if the popular 2-2-3 custody schedule will work for your family.

What Is a 2-2-3 Custody Schedule?

A 2-2-3 custody schedule is a co-parenting schedule where each parent has equal time with their child. Parents split alternating sets of days over a two week period. The 2-2-3 schedule offers kids frequent time with both parents but could present logistical challenges.

2-2-3 is a common schedule rotation used by parents with joint physical custody, an agreement in which a child spends a lot of time with each parent. The 2-2-3 schedule, however, is an option that works specifically for co-parents who share time with their children on an equal, 50/50 basis.

You’ll often see the 2-2-3 schedule rotation referred to as a “custody schedule” or a “parenting schedule.”

50/50 parenting time rotations, like 2-2-3, work for some families and not for others. But a 2019 review published in the Journal of Family Sciences found that 50/50 arrangements could lead to positive outcomes for children. Still, they advised that blanket recommendations are inappropriate because every family’s situation differs.

Before selecting a routine, you should consider your children’s schedule, your relationship with your co-parent, and your child’s age. The 2-2-3 schedule can be logistically complicated, but a digital co-parenting calendar can automatically schedule the rotation to help keep you on track.

Michelle Dempsey-Multack, Certified Divorce and Co-Parenting Specialist summarizes the schedule nicely: “Although a 2-2-3 schedule doesn’t make sense for all families, it is a great option for co-parents whose work schedules allow for it, who have the ability to share in the parenting responsibilities equally, and who live near the other parent.”

“This schedule is especially helpful for children under the age of 4, who are adjusting to co-parenting and may have a harder time separating from one or both parents,” says Dempsey-Multack.

Key Takeaways

Read the full blog post HERE.

By Wilmington Trust | AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

As featured in Family Lawyer Magazine, financial experts and wealth strategists of Wilmington Trust’s National Divorce Advisory Practice share their first annual edition of divorce monthly tips. Using a thematic approach to tackle the many issues facing clients in transition, each monthly tip highlights a topic designed to propel action in a manageable yet disciplined way.

By linking strategies to recognizable themes and breaking them down into 12 timely monthly subjects, attorneys can create a systematic roadmap to help guide clients impacted by divorce.

Contact Sharon L. Klein, Head of Wilmington Trust’s National Divorce Advisory Practice at 212-415-0531 or sklein@wilmingtontrust.com to discuss ways Wilmington Trust can help your clients successfully navigate complexity and transition.

 

By Daniel Roche, CPA/ABV, ASA and Michael Saccomanno, CPA/ABV/CFF, CVA | Marcum | AAML NJ Gold Sponsor

Synergistic value is the additional value created in a merger between two companies due to synergies that can be exploited by the merged firms. Typically, these synergies come in the form of increased revenue or lower expenses, or a combination of both — thereby increasing the merged firm’s income and cash flow.

Typically, in business valuation, we consider a hypothetical willing buyer and a hypothetical willing seller in our analysis of the subject company’s fair value and/or fair market value. Synergies aren’t typically considered in a concluded value because that would require using a specific (not hypothetical) buyer and seller. However, synergies exist in transactions in the real world.  

For example, take Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter last year. The control premium Musk paid was approximately 38% greater than the publicly traded price on the announcement date. While not a merger in its truest sense, this premium price hinged on Musk’s belief that he could extract more revenue from the Twitter platform through a combination of revenue-generating and expense-reducing measures. That said, while synergies can be anticipated and paid for in a transaction, the ultimate realization of synergies happens post-transaction and is more a product of successful execution than financial modeling and math.

As you are all aware, Marcum and Friedman recently merged (September 1, 2022) and the combined entity now has $1.1 billion in annual revenue, positioning us to be the 12th largest accounting firm in the United States (note: updated industry rankings are due in March 2023). The merger also integrated the Friedman and Marcum Valuation Forensic and Litigation Support groups (VFLS), which now in totality includes just under 200 professionals across the country and bolsters the Marcum VFLS presence in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and New York.

The Marcum and Friedman VFLS leadership teams worked together for more than four months pre-merger and another five months post-merger to integrate our existing practices and professionals and to enhance the services we bring to our valued clients. 

Our VFLS integration has been very successful, and the realized synergies have been greater than originally anticipated. Our New Jersey matrimonial group has doubled in size, and we now operate from four offices in four different counties within the state, sharing and developing staff and integrating our knowledge and client bases. We also bring much more enhanced and complete industry specialties including digital assets, private equity, cannabis, construction, food and beverage, real estate, consumer products, energy, healthcare, etc., with valuation, forensic, and litigation support experts immersed in these industries.

So, look for us when you see us at events and ask us how our integration is going. We’re more than happy to talk about it with you. Hoping to see you all soon!

Originally published on February 14, 2023.

By Jonathan Blinken | Strategies For Wealth, AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

Even under the best of circumstances, divorce is one of the toughest life events some of us have had to face. Not only are there emotionally complex relationships to detangle, but also there are also complicated financial arrangements and responsibilities to work through. From joint bank accounts, to car financing, to mortgages, the changes can seem overwhelming.

It’s not all bad news, of course. There are significant benefits to finalizing a divorce. You may find that you are:

However, you may also be losing a home you have grown to love and have worked very hard to purchase and maintain.

Homes Owned by Both Spouses

If you and your spouse owned a home together, try to get it paid off and whoever is keeping the house should attempt to qualify on their own to continue paying the mortgage and remove the other party from the deed. Since the initial mortgage approval was likely based on two incomes, becoming a sole owner may present challenges. You may both need to re-assess the need and benefits of selling the home versus keeping it under a sole owner. Perhaps a rental, or downsizing, is the better option for everyone for the short term. Give this due consideration and make the decision that works best for everyone.

If you want your ex-spouse to remain in the home, with the children, and he/she is not able to refinance the mortgage alone, you may decide to leave it in both names for a period of time. That decision is a personal one, and if your spouse has been staying home to care for the children, it may be best for everyone to keep the home in both names. There is likely enough upheaval amidst the divorce for everyone without having to move everyone and everything out of the existing home.

If selling the marital home is the final decision, be certain that both spouses have the proper legal documents in place to ensure any profits from the sale of the home are shared and distributed appropriately.

Based on your relationship, it may be possible for both spouses to remain in the home during divorce proceedings, which may help save money. If that isn’t comfortable for everyone, you have other options, short of crashing on your friend’s couch:

Mortgage Approvals

If you’ve decided to buy, let’s review how a mortgage approval works. Bear in mind that regulations can change as quickly as bank procedures. While the following are good guidelines, you may find specific approval criteria have evolved.

Before you begin shopping and talking with agents and sellers, I encourage you to obtain a pre-approval from your lender of choice. That serves two significant purposes:

Remember, there is nothing wrong with waiting a few months, or years, to ensure you are fully prepared for one of the largest investments of your life. It may actually be better to wait until the divorce is final to seek your mortgage approval. Pending litigation may be a turn-off for the lender, because the alimony and child support obligations may still be unknown.

Ensure you shop for a mortgage broker; consider rates, terms, and size. A larger bank or credit union may have volumes that permit them to offer lower rates. There are also varying products available, including: fixed rates; adjustable rates; 15, 20 and 30-year terms; balloon mortgages; VA; FHA; or an interest-only loan. You may have homework to do based on the extent of your financial capabilities and prior home buying experience. Make sure you ask questions about all the fees and interest rates. While federal regulations dictate a level of consistency across the board, in many cases, the lender may have a little wiggle room and it never hurts to ask!

Devil Is In the Details

As you begin the process of shopping for an agent, and a home, consider a few things before reaching out to anyone. The National Association of Realtors provides training, support, and a code of ethics and is a great starting place with more than one million members. It’s okay to “interview” the agent before making a commitment. Some items to discuss include:

You will want to find an agent that makes you feel comfortable and fully understands your needs and expectations. Having an agent that understands divorce implications, both financially and emotionally, can be an added benefit Be sure they represent you and not the seller!

Location, Location, Location!

Plan to spend an average of 30 days to locate the perfect home, which will likely entail visits to 15 to 25 properties, or more. You’re probably going to be in your home for years to come, so find something that meets your needs and tastes, and fits within your budget.

Financial Matters

Divorce tends to be costly, even excluding housing costs. We all incur various expenses associated with ending a marriage, and in many circumstances, they can be significant. However, there are some steps you can take to ensure that you either remain financially sound or quickly return to financial security post-divorce. Here are a few tips I found helpful for my divorce:

You are navigating through an emotional time in your life. Some researchers report that divorce is the single most stressful event in anyone’s life, so be kind to yourself and be patient. You deserve the best life has to offer, so take the appropriate steps to ensure you are getting what you need and want out of life.

By Elle Barr | Our Family Wizard, AAML NJ Bronze Sponsor

Valentine’s Day is all about sharing and celebrating love… so what do you do when you feel like your love has died, or even been replaced? This can be a tricky holiday for co-parents. Some even call it the worst day of the year. But it doesn’t have to be.  

To salvage the holiday, look beyond romance toward other types of love. "Valentine’s Day is designed to have individuals express love and affection to those who are dearest to them,” says Robert Z. Dobrish, a matrimonial attorney and senior partner at Dobrish Michaels Gross LLP. “It’s an opportunity for divorced dads and moms to share thoughts and symbols of love with their daughters and sons."  

Here are a few ideas to get you started, in three sections:  

1. Things you can do with your kids 
2. Things you can do for yourself to get through the day 
3. One thing that’s crucial for you AND your kids

1. For the Kids: Make New Family Traditions 

Coordinate with your co-parent—or work around their schedule 

Most shared parenting orders do not provide guidelines for holidays such as Valentine’s Day, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, and other such “second-tier” holidays, explains Candice L. Komar, founding member of Pollock Begg Komar Glasser & Vertz LLC and a practitioner, litigator, and negotiator in matrimonial law. Dobrish adds, “In my manyRobert Z. Dobrish,  Matrimonial Attorney & Senior Partner at Dobrish Michaels Gross LLP years of practice, I have never seen a sharing of Valentine’s Day in any divorce agreement.” 

You can still add it unofficially and switch off every other year. If it usually falls with you, it would be a generous gesture to share the day or swap days some years. If your child stays with you, consider arranging a video chat with their other parent on February 14, so they can be reminded that both their parents love them very much. Or, if your child is not with you on the holiday, try to celebrate on a nearby date.  

Focus on parental love

The important thing is to make sure the kids feel loved. If you snub the holiday, it could make the day feel difficult or empty. If your kids see the world celebrating love, and their parents are miserable about the concept, then Valentine’s—or even the idea of love itself—might feel inauthentic to them.  

But if the kids realize that their lives are filled with love, even thoughDr. Deborah Gilman, Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Coach & Child Specialist their parents are no longer together, the day could be fun or even comforting. Dr. Deborah Gilman, psychologist, collaborative divorce coach, mediator, and child specialist,​ explains, “Even if you’re hurting, you can model the importance of showing love and affection to people whose relationships you treasure.” 

Dr. Gilman has a fun idea for showing your kids love (in addition to telling them how much you love them and making time to celebrate together). “Write little notes of appreciation and leave them around the house and tucked in the kids’ backpacks, jackets, and lunches so they can find unexpected, sweet messages throughout the day.” 

Get crafty with the kids 

“Make decorated heart-shaped cookies, beaded bracelets, artwork,Candice L. Komar,  Litigator & Founding Member of Pollock Begg Komar Glasser & Vertiz LLC cards, or other Valentine’s themed crafts,” suggests Komar.  

To take it to the next level, encourage your child to give one creation to their other parent. This sends a message that the parents are still communicating and aligned. They’re no longer married, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care for each other.  

“This is important because it shows you respect and value your child's relationship with their other parent,” explains Dr. Gilman. “It's also a great lesson in how to put your child's feelings first.” 

And keep in mind, this isn’t for your co-parent’s benefit. Children thrive when their parents are friendly with one another, explains Komar. 

Too often, Komar adds, parents hide behind excuses like “I don’t want the children to be confused” or “I don’t want the children to get their hopes up for reconciliation.” Then they’re standoffish and nasty to the other parent just to prevent those outcomes. But that only hurts the kids more. Seeing their parents act cordially toward each other can relieve a lot of stress and tension. 

2. Make Your Day Meaningful

The kids should be your focus, but you matter too. This might be a painful day, and you’ll feel better and function better if you take good care of yourself.  

Show gratitude 

Making cards isn’t just for kids! “Send little notes of appreciation to the friends and family who have sustained you through your divorce thus far,” suggests Komar. “Gratitude, next to love, is one of the most powerful emotions there is. Be grateful for all the love in your life—not just romantic love, but also your parents, friends, co-workers, and pets.” 

Don’t slide into a downward spiral 

You’re no longer with your former spouse or partner on Valentine’s Day. That might feel like a huge relief, or you might be grieving—or both. Either way, it might feel weird. It’s easy to give into depression when you’re dealing with complicated or negative emotions, but it’s not unavoidable.  

“Expressing gratitude will go a long way in pulling someone out of a funk just because they are not with a special someone on Valentine’s Day,” says Komar. I am sure if you look back with an honest lens, not all the Valentine’s Days were perfect Hallmark moments with your ex-spouse. Keep thinking the best is yet to come!” 

Lean on your resources 

Komar recommends a book called Parenting After Divorce, Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children’s Needs by Phillip M. Stahl, Ph.D. It explores the nuts and bolts of creating a parenting plan—including getting past your own emotions, tailoring the plan to your kids’ ages, responding to your kids’ questions, communicating effectively, and supporting a relationship with the other parent.  

It also includes a chapter on taking care of yourself, under the theory that if you do not take care of yourself, you’re not going to be an effective parent.  

And on that note, 

3. Model Self-Love, The Key to Resiliency 

“It is important that our children see us care for ourselves and love ourselves,” says Dr. Gilman, “even when life hasn’t been perfect. It is self-acceptance and self-compassion that model resilience during and after adversity.” 

Check out Verywell Mind’s 7 Ways to Practice Self-Love—and talk about what you’re doing as you put it into action. When you go to bed, tell your kids you get consistent sleeping hours because it nourishes your body and improves your mood. When you make a mistake, acknowledge it and then talk through the practice of self-compassion. 

"Watching a parent go through a difficult time, and still being able to love and accept themselves (and accept the negative situation), is a powerful way to encourage children to love themselves no matter what,” says Dr. Gilman. 

Celebrate All the Love in Your Life, Especially Your Love For Your Kids 

Remind your children that no matter how much upheaval they’ve faced, two things are for certain: you love them, and their other parent loves them. That will never change.